Decisions

I made the decision, a very long time ago, not to be Catholic. My family was Catholic. My grandmother was the only one who enjoyed going to church, and I'm not really sure why. My mother never went because of the church's stand on birth control. My dad went out of obligation.

My parents forced my brother and I to go out of fear...fear that we'd go to hell if we didn't receive the sacraments. We both hated going to mass. My father took us most Sundays. The only good thing I remember is that, for a time, Sunday mass was held at the local drive in. The parish was so big, they didn't have room for everyone in the actual church. Well, every now and again, our car would end up right next to my current heart throb's family car. I'd spend the whole time looking at him through the little mirror I carried in my purse.

My brother and I complained more and more about going to church as we got older. My parents said we could decide not to go after we were confirmed. So, right after confirmation, at twelve or thirteen (I can't remember which,) my brother and I opted out. I've never regretted it. What did bother me was I had nothing to take it's place... something to make me less fearful of the unknown.

The Catholic church was supposed to make me feel like a child of god, safe and protected. I never felt that. It's hard to feel safe when everything you do might send you to hell. I never identified with the mass. Most of it was in Latin at the time. How the hell was I supposed to find meaning in something relayed in a dead language! That really made no sense to me. When the church switched to English, I thought maybe things would be different. Nope...didn't help. I felt nothing, zilch, nada, as they say. So, for a long time, I just didn't think about "god."

The thing that started me searching for some deeper meaning, was my having to get out of bed, in the middle of the night, after I had been laying there wondering what was going to happen to me when I died, and walk around my room to keep the panic at bay. Was there just going to be an eternity of nothingness? I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was so frightened. I felt the fear in my core.

In my twenties, I tried other churches of varying denominations. They all left me cold. Meanwhile, my anxiety and my fearfulness was growing by leaps and bounds. One day, I was talking to the woman who was, then, my student teacher. Today, twenty-five years later, she is one of my dearest friends. She suggested I try Transcendental Meditation (TM.) TM was the beginning of my salvation, as well as the first step of my authentic search for my truth. It gave me hope that there really was something out there in the universe with which to connect. That first hour, being initiated into TM changed my life and set me upon the path I tread to this day.

I have traveled far and learned much. There is still so much more to learn. I have come to know that I do not walk my path alone. None of us do. All we have to do is reach into the darkness and feel for the hand that has been guiding us all along.