Inspiration

The poetry reading was so much fun! My friend, Stephanie was amazing! When I listen to her work, I often think, "Where did that come from?" Her insights are astounding.

Several other people read their work. Some of them were truly gifted. The whole experience inspired me to spend more time on my own writing. I think I might find the courage to read a piece, or two, in the not too distant future.

I felt very relaxed that evening. I didn't worry about getting home early, or what my husband might say when I got home. I just simply enjoyed myself. Hmmm...enjoying myself - sounds like a plan!

Metamorphosis

Well, it's been the better part of a week since my last post. My husband has been working for a friend; making repairs to her home. He has been very careful of the way he converses with me. I have tried to be loving and supportive, but at a distance. I've been way too involved in trying to "fix" his life.

It's a bit difficult to step back and watch, although I know I must. I can see his fear. The old patterns of our life together are falling away and he's not sure what to do. I know I must stand back and let the chips fall where they may. He'll either rally or he'll give up. I don't have a clue how it's all going to play out.

I'm holding my own, saying the things I need to say. Tonight, I'm going to a poetry reading in town. My friend is going to present some of her incredible writings. I still feel strong, although, when I wake up, my first reaction has often been one of fear. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. My old self is falling away. Waking, lately, has been reminiscent of the way I've felt in the weeks after the death of a loved one. I'm resolute, however. There is no turning back. Can the caterpillar keep from becoming what it was meant to be?

I'm proud of the fact that I'm finally beginning to take care of my needs. It feels good. It feels right. My focus is clearing. The fog is lifting.

Light

I have always lived to please others in the hope I could get the love I so desperately needed, or in the hope I could make the other person happy. It has taken me to this point in my life to realize that happiness comes from within and is the responsibility of each person to cultivate it.

My relationship with my husband is no different. I have been trying to please him for twelve years. I have tiptoed around his moods. I have tolerated him moving from job to job. I have given him license to keep me under his considerably large thumb. He's not a bad person. He's just terribly frightened and doesn't have the necessary tools to deal with his fear.

He decided, last Friday, to quit his job, that very day! He has watched me rob Peter to pay Paul for most of our marriage. He has always made substantially less money than I. We have been having more financial difficulty this past year, due to our move to a new state. We bought a home, complete with mortgage. He didn't work for the first 6 months we lived here. Quitting the job was last of the proverbial straws. I told him before he did it, that he would have to move out if he quit. He did it anyway.

I immediately went to the bank and opened up my own checking account. I got a form for him to sign, taking his name off the deed to the house. I cried and cried. I was sitting in the bank, waiting to be helped, and I felt as though I was in a funeral parlor. The sense of the surreal , which often accompanies things that are perceived as tragic, descended upon me. I felt empty, drained.

When I returned home, my husband fell into my arms sobbing. He professed his love for me and said he didn't want to leave. We sat down to talk. We talked for a long time. I told him all the things I hadn't told him for the last twelve years...lovingly, not in anger. I explained, very clearly, that I was on a path of growth. I told him I had no desire to sit in the house because he's afraid I'll find a life and leave him. We talked about whether or not he wanted to support my growth, as well as whether or not he thought he would be able to make some shifts in the way he thinks and reacts. We spoke of many other things, including financial responsibility. In the end, we decided to try to build a new foundation under our very rocky relationship. Part of me wishes he had chosen to leave. We'll see how it goes. I will be paying particular attention to how I feel. I want to feel good.

This encounter has enabled me to see that I am ready and able to stand on my own. I have been feeling very connected and supported by Source. I have known all my life, that I would have to take this stand with someone in order to be whole. That someone turned out to be me. I feel liberated. I feel strong. I actually feel happy! My dear friend Stephanie often asks me what I really want. I usually get an image of Mel Gibson as William Wallace, in Braveheart, screaming the word, "FREEDOM!"

The great weight, which has been with me for many years, has been lifted and it feels safe to step out into the light.

Blessed Be.

Circles

Last night, I went to a full moon ritual. It's the first one I've ever attended, excluding on line rituals, which I attend fairly frequently. It wasn't a Wiccan ritual. It was offered by a woman following the path of the Shaman. She studied in Peru. She is passionate about her path and enjoys sharing it.

It didn't matter that the ceremony was not Wiccan. It was somewhat similar, though. She created sacred space...a circle. She did something very close to calling the quarters, or the Guardians of the Watchtowers. She called forth god/goddess. Therefore, the ritual felt familiar. Even if it hadn't, it would have been fine with me. It was good to watch someone conduct ritual. More importantly, it was good to be with people who are thinking and acting out of the box. I was impressed. A ton of good energy was raised during the drumming circle, which was great fun.

This experience was important for me in other ways. Most profoundly, it was, yet, another small step into my authentic self. Self actualization can be difficult. It may be even more difficult if there is a significant other in the picture. My husband and I have been living, and communicating, a certain way for twelve years. A huge part of the foundation of our relationship is built upon pain and fear from our distant pasts. Many relationships begin this way. People seek out the one best able to help in their healing. As a rule, we don't realize this is what we are doing at the time. Marriages fall apart because one person wakes to a new way and the other doesn't. The marriages that last, and build stronger foundations, work to heal the old issues. It's not an easy task. Many people choose not to undertake it. I'd like to think my husband and I can build a new house, from the bottom up. Time will tell.

As I am awaking to the new possibilities, my husband is feeling terribly frightened. So am I. We moved to our new town almost a year ago. When we lived in New Mexico, the town was so small, there was nowhere to go and not much to do. Everything was so far away. We pretty much settled into a cocoon of the safe and familiar. We went to work. We went to the local bar and restaurant. A couple times a month we ventured over to Taos for a little more variety of experience. Our new town affords more opportunity. It is one of the reasons we moved here. The transition, however, has been most difficult for my husband. He is very frightened of me going places without him. I am responding to his discomfort the same way I did when my mother acted out when I left her. She created such discomfort when I returned home, that I never had a good time. I was always worrying about what was waiting for me upon my return. I never realized, until this move, how much I have allowed the comfort of others to dictate how I live. I am fearful and angry. But, I have passed that point, where I know I have come too far to turn back.

I have never truly lived alone. I fear I can't take care of myself. The fear of losing my only family haunts me. The logical truth is that I have always lived alone, even in the presence of others. Love, with very few exceptions, has always been conditional. I have always been the strong one, the caretaker. Logic, often, takes a backseat to fear. It feels like I'm the weak one; that I can't survive if I'm left alone; that my heart will break into so many pieces, repair will be impossible. I often feel like I will die.

Slowly, very slowly, I am beginning to unravel these myths that feel so real, still. I have days where I feel invincible. I am beginning to practice self love. I am stepping out of the padded cell of my own creation. I am stepping into the light and breathing the air of change. Is it always comfortable? Absolutely not. It it necessary? Absolutely. Will I prevail? Yes.

I have known for a very long time that this day was coming. I have feared it. I have welcomed it. I have wished I could return to the cocoon. I cannot. I was not brought forth to cower in darkness. I am more and more realizing that I am not alone. There are people out there who are making the same journey. I know them. I admire them. I desire to be one of them.

In my soul, I know, without doubt, Source supports my growth. It revels in watching me become joyful. It is waiting, patiently, with open arms, for my arrival home.

Blessed Be.