Last night, I went to a full moon ritual. It's the first one I've ever attended, excluding on line rituals, which I attend fairly frequently. It wasn't a Wiccan ritual. It was offered by a woman following the path of the Shaman. She studied in Peru. She is passionate about her path and enjoys sharing it.
It didn't matter that the ceremony was not Wiccan. It was somewhat similar, though. She created sacred space...a circle. She did something very close to calling the quarters, or the Guardians of the Watchtowers. She called forth god/goddess. Therefore, the ritual felt familiar. Even if it hadn't, it would have been fine with me. It was good to watch someone conduct ritual. More importantly, it was good to be with people who are thinking and acting out of the box. I was impressed. A ton of good energy was raised during the drumming circle, which was great fun.
This experience was important for me in other ways. Most profoundly, it was, yet, another small step into my authentic self. Self actualization can be difficult. It may be even more difficult if there is a significant other in the picture. My husband and I have been living, and communicating, a certain way for twelve years. A huge part of the foundation of our relationship is built upon pain and fear from our distant pasts. Many relationships begin this way. People seek out the one best able to help in their healing. As a rule, we don't realize this is what we are doing at the time. Marriages fall apart because one person wakes to a new way and the other doesn't. The marriages that last, and build stronger foundations, work to heal the old issues. It's not an easy task. Many people choose not to undertake it. I'd like to think my husband and I can build a new house, from the bottom up. Time will tell.
As I am awaking to the new possibilities, my husband is feeling terribly frightened. So am I. We moved to our new town almost a year ago. When we lived in New Mexico, the town was so small, there was nowhere to go and not much to do. Everything was so far away. We pretty much settled into a cocoon of the safe and familiar. We went to work. We went to the local bar and restaurant. A couple times a month we ventured over to Taos for a little more variety of experience. Our new town affords more opportunity. It is one of the reasons we moved here. The transition, however, has been most difficult for my husband. He is very frightened of me going places without him. I am responding to his discomfort the same way I did when my mother acted out when I left her. She created such discomfort when I returned home, that I never had a good time. I was always worrying about what was waiting for me upon my return. I never realized, until this move, how much I have allowed the comfort of others to dictate how I live. I am fearful and angry. But, I have passed that point, where I know I have come too far to turn back.
I have never truly lived alone. I fear I can't take care of myself. The fear of losing my only family haunts me. The logical truth is that I have always lived alone, even in the presence of others. Love, with very few exceptions, has always been conditional. I have always been the strong one, the caretaker. Logic, often, takes a backseat to fear. It feels like I'm the weak one; that I can't survive if I'm left alone; that my heart will break into so many pieces, repair will be impossible. I often feel like I will die.
Slowly, very slowly, I am beginning to unravel these myths that feel so real, still. I have days where I feel invincible. I am beginning to practice self love. I am stepping out of the padded cell of my own creation. I am stepping into the light and breathing the air of change. Is it always comfortable? Absolutely not. It it necessary? Absolutely. Will I prevail? Yes.
I have known for a very long time that this day was coming. I have feared it. I have welcomed it. I have wished I could return to the cocoon. I cannot. I was not brought forth to cower in darkness. I am more and more realizing that I am not alone. There are people out there who are making the same journey. I know them. I admire them. I desire to be one of them.
In my soul, I know, without doubt, Source supports my growth. It revels in watching me become joyful. It is waiting, patiently, with open arms, for my arrival home.
Blessed Be.
It didn't matter that the ceremony was not Wiccan. It was somewhat similar, though. She created sacred space...a circle. She did something very close to calling the quarters, or the Guardians of the Watchtowers. She called forth god/goddess. Therefore, the ritual felt familiar. Even if it hadn't, it would have been fine with me. It was good to watch someone conduct ritual. More importantly, it was good to be with people who are thinking and acting out of the box. I was impressed. A ton of good energy was raised during the drumming circle, which was great fun.
This experience was important for me in other ways. Most profoundly, it was, yet, another small step into my authentic self. Self actualization can be difficult. It may be even more difficult if there is a significant other in the picture. My husband and I have been living, and communicating, a certain way for twelve years. A huge part of the foundation of our relationship is built upon pain and fear from our distant pasts. Many relationships begin this way. People seek out the one best able to help in their healing. As a rule, we don't realize this is what we are doing at the time. Marriages fall apart because one person wakes to a new way and the other doesn't. The marriages that last, and build stronger foundations, work to heal the old issues. It's not an easy task. Many people choose not to undertake it. I'd like to think my husband and I can build a new house, from the bottom up. Time will tell.
As I am awaking to the new possibilities, my husband is feeling terribly frightened. So am I. We moved to our new town almost a year ago. When we lived in New Mexico, the town was so small, there was nowhere to go and not much to do. Everything was so far away. We pretty much settled into a cocoon of the safe and familiar. We went to work. We went to the local bar and restaurant. A couple times a month we ventured over to Taos for a little more variety of experience. Our new town affords more opportunity. It is one of the reasons we moved here. The transition, however, has been most difficult for my husband. He is very frightened of me going places without him. I am responding to his discomfort the same way I did when my mother acted out when I left her. She created such discomfort when I returned home, that I never had a good time. I was always worrying about what was waiting for me upon my return. I never realized, until this move, how much I have allowed the comfort of others to dictate how I live. I am fearful and angry. But, I have passed that point, where I know I have come too far to turn back.
I have never truly lived alone. I fear I can't take care of myself. The fear of losing my only family haunts me. The logical truth is that I have always lived alone, even in the presence of others. Love, with very few exceptions, has always been conditional. I have always been the strong one, the caretaker. Logic, often, takes a backseat to fear. It feels like I'm the weak one; that I can't survive if I'm left alone; that my heart will break into so many pieces, repair will be impossible. I often feel like I will die.
Slowly, very slowly, I am beginning to unravel these myths that feel so real, still. I have days where I feel invincible. I am beginning to practice self love. I am stepping out of the padded cell of my own creation. I am stepping into the light and breathing the air of change. Is it always comfortable? Absolutely not. It it necessary? Absolutely. Will I prevail? Yes.
I have known for a very long time that this day was coming. I have feared it. I have welcomed it. I have wished I could return to the cocoon. I cannot. I was not brought forth to cower in darkness. I am more and more realizing that I am not alone. There are people out there who are making the same journey. I know them. I admire them. I desire to be one of them.
In my soul, I know, without doubt, Source supports my growth. It revels in watching me become joyful. It is waiting, patiently, with open arms, for my arrival home.
Blessed Be.
I would have to read this moments before I have to go out the door! Amazing post! Absolutely amazing! Wanted you to know I had read it and will be giving it the lengthy response that it deserves as soon as I possibly can! You are held in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteBlessed be!
Welcome, sister, on this path of growth. Some choose the easier path of quite desperation. Others listen in the yearnings of their soul. Quietly, sometimes painfully, like flowers awakening to the warmth of the spring, our souls blossom.
ReplyDeleteWe of the Wicca walk a path of self empowerment. A path of responsibility. A path in which we are never alone because we know the secret of the universe -- thou are goddess. That each of us is a Priest or Priestess of Dinviny if we will accept that responsibility and charge. And once we awaken to that moment when we recognize that we are Devine because the Devine dwells within us, there is no going back.
And across thousands of miles we can connect because there are others in this little intimate moments of cyberspace who walk these paths with us. Daughter of Demeter, Daughter of the Lord and Lady, Ravenstar you began a path to self actualization when you began this blog. You began to live authentically within this space. Now you’ve attended ritual and have a taste of what it can be. I truly feel blessed to share this journey with you..
Blessed be.
One of the scariest things about self actualization is that once the process is begun, there is indeed no going back, and no stopping the forces of change blowing through our lives. What I have observed is also, once started, the path of change picks up speed until it is a torrent at full flood. If we have repressed ourselves and things about ourselves, once that first breath of change and freeom blows into our lives, we generally react like one who is starving who is suddenly given abundant food - it is overwhelming! (and I have experienced this from the inside out.) Self actualization is something that occurs throughout our life times, if we are open to it, as an on going journey, not something that we do once and for all time.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when significant people in our lives like a spouse, our parents or best friends cannot follow where we MUST go - and in some cases they will not. It does not always have to be like that - if communication can be established, then journeys can be shared. Sometimes our significant others get frightened, scared, run off - sometimes for awhile, sometimes they are completely unable to make the transition. And yet there is no way to turn from your path, or to put the genie back in the bottle. Your insights amaze me - very few people ever understand that about choosing relationships to seek healing - and fewer still realize that one person changing when the other does not can be very painful,
You are indeed on the road less traveled - yes, I know that poem well. It is used so often it has become almost clishe in our culture - and yet there is nothing clishe about it, when we expience the reality of it!
I affirm completely that your insights are incredibly deep and correct and - yes - scary. The blinders are off, and you are at that point where you can see just how high the stakes can be. And there is indeed no going back! You will be remembered in my prayers and thoughts - you and your husband both during this time. Remember - the unexamined life is not worth living. (Plato) Go in strength, sister of my heart!