I have always lived to please others in the hope I could get the love I so desperately needed, or in the hope I could make the other person happy. It has taken me to this point in my life to realize that happiness comes from within and is the responsibility of each person to cultivate it.
My relationship with my husband is no different. I have been trying to please him for twelve years. I have tiptoed around his moods. I have tolerated him moving from job to job. I have given him license to keep me under his considerably large thumb. He's not a bad person. He's just terribly frightened and doesn't have the necessary tools to deal with his fear.
He decided, last Friday, to quit his job, that very day! He has watched me rob Peter to pay Paul for most of our marriage. He has always made substantially less money than I. We have been having more financial difficulty this past year, due to our move to a new state. We bought a home, complete with mortgage. He didn't work for the first 6 months we lived here. Quitting the job was last of the proverbial straws. I told him before he did it, that he would have to move out if he quit. He did it anyway.
I immediately went to the bank and opened up my own checking account. I got a form for him to sign, taking his name off the deed to the house. I cried and cried. I was sitting in the bank, waiting to be helped, and I felt as though I was in a funeral parlor. The sense of the surreal , which often accompanies things that are perceived as tragic, descended upon me. I felt empty, drained.
When I returned home, my husband fell into my arms sobbing. He professed his love for me and said he didn't want to leave. We sat down to talk. We talked for a long time. I told him all the things I hadn't told him for the last twelve years...lovingly, not in anger. I explained, very clearly, that I was on a path of growth. I told him I had no desire to sit in the house because he's afraid I'll find a life and leave him. We talked about whether or not he wanted to support my growth, as well as whether or not he thought he would be able to make some shifts in the way he thinks and reacts. We spoke of many other things, including financial responsibility. In the end, we decided to try to build a new foundation under our very rocky relationship. Part of me wishes he had chosen to leave. We'll see how it goes. I will be paying particular attention to how I feel. I want to feel good.
This encounter has enabled me to see that I am ready and able to stand on my own. I have been feeling very connected and supported by Source. I have known all my life, that I would have to take this stand with someone in order to be whole. That someone turned out to be me. I feel liberated. I feel strong. I actually feel happy! My dear friend Stephanie often asks me what I really want. I usually get an image of Mel Gibson as William Wallace, in Braveheart, screaming the word, "FREEDOM!"
The great weight, which has been with me for many years, has been lifted and it feels safe to step out into the light.
Blessed Be.
My relationship with my husband is no different. I have been trying to please him for twelve years. I have tiptoed around his moods. I have tolerated him moving from job to job. I have given him license to keep me under his considerably large thumb. He's not a bad person. He's just terribly frightened and doesn't have the necessary tools to deal with his fear.
He decided, last Friday, to quit his job, that very day! He has watched me rob Peter to pay Paul for most of our marriage. He has always made substantially less money than I. We have been having more financial difficulty this past year, due to our move to a new state. We bought a home, complete with mortgage. He didn't work for the first 6 months we lived here. Quitting the job was last of the proverbial straws. I told him before he did it, that he would have to move out if he quit. He did it anyway.
I immediately went to the bank and opened up my own checking account. I got a form for him to sign, taking his name off the deed to the house. I cried and cried. I was sitting in the bank, waiting to be helped, and I felt as though I was in a funeral parlor. The sense of the surreal , which often accompanies things that are perceived as tragic, descended upon me. I felt empty, drained.
When I returned home, my husband fell into my arms sobbing. He professed his love for me and said he didn't want to leave. We sat down to talk. We talked for a long time. I told him all the things I hadn't told him for the last twelve years...lovingly, not in anger. I explained, very clearly, that I was on a path of growth. I told him I had no desire to sit in the house because he's afraid I'll find a life and leave him. We talked about whether or not he wanted to support my growth, as well as whether or not he thought he would be able to make some shifts in the way he thinks and reacts. We spoke of many other things, including financial responsibility. In the end, we decided to try to build a new foundation under our very rocky relationship. Part of me wishes he had chosen to leave. We'll see how it goes. I will be paying particular attention to how I feel. I want to feel good.
This encounter has enabled me to see that I am ready and able to stand on my own. I have been feeling very connected and supported by Source. I have known all my life, that I would have to take this stand with someone in order to be whole. That someone turned out to be me. I feel liberated. I feel strong. I actually feel happy! My dear friend Stephanie often asks me what I really want. I usually get an image of Mel Gibson as William Wallace, in Braveheart, screaming the word, "FREEDOM!"
The great weight, which has been with me for many years, has been lifted and it feels safe to step out into the light.
Blessed Be.
Oh my God! My jaw dropped as I started to read through this post, though I had expected something like this to occur with you(it generally does at some point when one half of a relationship wakes up and begins to live and the other half doesn't.), I did not expect it when I checked your blog this evening! I began to breathe easier as I read about you and your husband talking together and begining to communicate. Not that I advocate that you stay or go...but that communication is a nessasary thing in any relationship, in it's life's journey. It is quite possible for your marriage to survive and for you both to grow and individuate together and seperately - this could be a good thing, and the begining of a new start. OR...it could be that the greatest positive thing you can do in the long run is to leave and begin a new life on your own. Which could also and equally be a good thing and the beginning of a new start! Is it possible to go to therapy together? I recomend a Marriage and Family Therapist if you can find one (and Dreamweaver can tell you more, and there are those with sliding scales, if finances are tight)...The key is to go together.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand...good arrangements regarding the house and the bank account! Let those arrangements stand, for awhile if not permnantly.
You are an amazingly strong woman and I am in awe of you! When my ex and I broke up, before Dreamweaver and I moved in together, I fought all the demons in hell to stay in that relationship. I had to because of the value I place on marriage and the love I had for my ex. On the other hand, leave I did, and break up with my ex I did, and it was the best thing I EVER did in my life. But working hard to save that relationship was valid too, because when I did leave, I knew I had done everything I could and left with a clear conscience and peace of mind. (sorrowful too, but that is inevitable)
So evaluating and working towards creating a strong healthy relationship is a worthy goal - but also honoring if it becomes time to go and leaving is also equally a valid thing. You are on a balance point - a cusp, the fulcrum of the momment. Trust your inner wisdom. trust the moment, and work towards the best path for you, and him....odds are on, if you aren't meant to be together, then as painful as the situation will be, breaking up could be good for him too in the long run.
Whatever you do, move slowly...make every effort to communicate carefully, respectfully and lovingly (and it sounds like you are already doing that!) and pray for Best Possible Outcome. Be sure to maintain self care and rest and feed your own soul at this time - that is important! If you need us, please let us know! We will be remembering you in our thoughts and prayers! May the Goddess bless you and him both. irregardless of where the journey may lead you, together or seperately. You have our unconditional love and support! I will let Dreamweaver know in the morning to check in with you!
Blessed be!
Merry Meet, Raven!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful post! There is a beauty in the unfolding of a woman's path that is unparalled by anything else. You have entered into a sacred space in of discovery and self exploration. Cameron and I feel privileged to share your journey.
Relationships are a dance that we enter into. We each know our moves and react to the other person's moves. Emotions are the music. As the dance and the music becomes chaotic, we generate energy for change. The form of change you choose is entirely up to you. The kind of changes you create are different now from ever before. You walk the path of the Goddess. You work her energy and are growing in her mysteries. There's no going back.
It sounds like you have discovered your boundaries and are learning to stick to them. With those boundaries you have changed the rhythm of the dance. It also sounds like you understand responsibility, which at the heart of the path of the Goddess, and expect those around you to likewise live responsibly.
My dearest friend, for in these cozy corners of cyberspace you have become a friend Cameron and I both value, you may have already outgrown the old ties that once joined you with your husband. If so, new spaces must be created for the relationship to flourish. Unfortunately, even if you create those spaces, he may or may not choose to meet you in those spaces. Nevertheless, as you create those spaces for yourself, inviting him in gives him the choice to grow with you or not.
Moreover, it sounds like you are learning the strength of self and independence that comes with transformation. I hear you inviting your husband into those sacred spaces of transformation. But remember, daughter of Demeter, that the journey of Persephone (or Innanna, the goddess of my first initation) is a journey through the underworld, becoming an archtype for the journey to meet one's shadow self. Contrary to popular belief, one's shadow is not necessarily the dark side, but it the repressed self, the self of creativity and wisdom (see works by Carl Jung). Once we begin to work with our shadows, life changes. What a glorious journey!!!
Blessed be, sister of the heart.